Kerry vs Bont XI

Match Report - Kerry vs Bont XI 

It's not often you can hate a place so far away from where you live. Kerry is a quaint little village just outside Newtown, the pitch is surrounded by trees yet the team consists of a goalkeeper, 1 nice striker and 9 twats.

The Bont warm up wasn't warm, more like luke-warm, although no one knows who Luke is. The chat was mainly about tactics, where Bont had devised a new system known as biscuit minge. The lesson is never let Sion Jones name anything.

After a first half quieter than an episode of Peak Practice, where late arrivals in the stand Ted and Rhian Jones missed bugger all, it all got tasty 4 minutes before the break. Bont were losing 1-0 at this point but the score doesn't matter. Many Bont players have black belts to wear with their mustard chinos on a Saturday night out, but midfield general Scott Lowe actually has a proper black belt in causing pain. A scuffle broke out, and the Kerry number 3 really did pick a fight with the wrong bloke. Scott, 25ish, father of two, killer of 7 gave him the eyes and a bit of a slap causing him to look like he was at a petrol station - as he was filling up. Both were sent off and spent the rest of the game standing on the touch line 20 yards apart, which luckily for their man was just out of reach for Scott.

10 on 10, 1 half over and 1 half to go has meant that the number 1 key has broken on this phone. Thankfully it didn't finish that way despite Bont holding out for a long time as the comeback became harder than the 3rd sudoku puzzle in the paper when Bont skipper Sion Jones was sent off for retaliating after he almost got broken in half from a knee high tackle. It was like the chorus of a famous Reef song, with hands on everywhere. Thankfully no one put their hands on anyone's hole. It was now 9 men against 10 men and there were enough cards for a game of brag.

The issue with Kerry is that they aren't very good. Even with 9 men, Bont had chances but Michael Lowe hit one wide and one straight a the keeper.

After scoring 2 more late goals through a defence with more holes in it than a moth-infested jumper, the score was soon 4-0. It was inevitable as Bont played the unheard of formation of 3-3-2 for the last 24 minutes.

Late on, part time captain Ceri Jenkins took a knee to face from Kerry number 12. Jenkins got up and went to punch him into next week but he got cramp in the calf and ended up pushing him in the neck, and didn't even end up knocking him past 5pm let alone next week. Bizarrely, the referee congratulated him on staying so calm and that was that. Like a fat ugly girl on valentines day, there were no cards involved. 

In other news, the showers were freezing cold because the stupid bint who looks after the tea/coffee stand (and charges one whole pound) had turned the boiler off because the water was bubbling. It doesn't take a C grade and above at GCSE Chemistry to work out that that's what water does when you warm it up. 

The post match meal was the best part of the day - Lasagne and chips, Discussions began between the Bont Lads about whether its acceptable to have onion rings with a Sunday lunch. The conversation hit it's peak when manager Rhodri Morgans announced he has them with Christmas dinner.

Today we learnt that nobody likes Kerry. In fact, the love/hate relationship is now just full of hate. For the 2nd year running, Bont have lost 4-0 in Kerry and finished the game with 9 men. Both Sion and Scott face 3 game bans. The Range and MFI with the wives it is next Saturday then boys!

Final Score - Kerry 4 Bont XI 0

#SaysItLikeItIs
#RedCards
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Awdur / Author: Ceri Jenkins via Facebook